I want you to find me sexy. (Sexier than his new girl, most definitely.)
I want you to validate my views. (Because I can’t trust myself.)
I want you to think I’m smart and successful. (Because every second I’m reminded by this and this Person’s accomplishment that I am mediocre, at best.)
I want you to think I’m wise and charitable. (Because if I’m not that accomplished, at least I’ve got that whole Spiritual thing going for me, right?)
I want you to like me. (Because it’s so damn hard to like myself.)
—-There is a Difference Between Scar-Expression & Self-Expression
By Sheena Vasani
Doodling and reflecting away on Santa Monica beach
Every time I create one of these doodles, I feel like I am lifted into this stunningly beautiful space where I am deeply in touch with my feminine, the Indian in me, my playful inner child. My thoughts go silent and my heart takes over. The more I delve into this space, it’s like a cleansing and I can see who I am – a spiritual practice more powerful for me than meditation even. Somehow, my doodles are helping me metamorphose from caterpillar to butterfly.
That is pretty funny to me as these are feelings I searched again and again for in philosophy and spiritual books and teachers – really, in every domain of my life – yet somehow I am finding them by allowing myself to simply…doodle. I constantly ask myself questions like: How do I re-connect with my true self and intuition? Live a life that is calm, free, creative, playful and not stressed and like it belongs to somebody else? Joyful and fulfilled? Feminine and passionate?
Then like a serious student and adult, I’d grab at every serious book or teacher on the subject I could find, or work, relationships, etc…I’d get mad at myself when my focus would stray elsewhere to the doodles on my journal. and other seemingly unimportant tasks. “Pay attention! This is serious work to help you connect with your true self, understand life, and embrace your purpose etc…” I’d sternly command to myself, only to find myself resisting even more. Until it dawned me a few months ago that this voice of resistance was not the problem but the solution – this is the voice of my inner child and true self screaming at me to get real and surrender.
So I started to allow myself to doodle and just “resist”. And I realized: How do I become playful? Drop the control. How do I listen to my intuition? Drop the control. How do I live a life of passion? Simple – just let yourself. You are already full of passion. People tell me that all the time. See it. Feel. Accept it.
There is no need for so much serious speculation all the time – just play and live. I am realizing more and more nowadays it’s the adult in me that sometimes is more of hindrance to my life and happiness than anything. It’s the inner kid in me that is my true self and vibrant and beautiful – she has something gorgeous to express and she shined magnificently when she was younger, before certain painful experiences and the superficial world’s limiting beliefs got in the way. From my doodles, I am learning that the more I get aligned with her and listen to her, the more my life flows.
Funny how it is the most seemingly insignificant, tiny things that are often the catalyst for great transformation if only we’d slow down and awaken to it.
A simple henna design I drew on my hand:
I listened to this playlist I made entitled “Divine Feminine” while doing so:
I belly danced after.The sensuality of the dance and drawings swept me away into this stunningly magical space. No constricting lines existed there, just carefree curves and colours. In my feminine, I feel free.
This sign at a cafe:
The vibrancy of these flowers, so alive with colour:
Burning away the old (and almost accidentally setting the table on fire – oops)
Coffee and conversation on a balcony overlooking London:
The sensuality of these roses:
The sensual wild flowers contrasted with composed St. Pauls and all it represents:
The remnants of a hatched egg I found on a walk – birth:
Pondering my life’s direction on a swing in a playground:
My little cousin’s artwork:
Wearing socks that don’t match:
A beautiful house with roses on a lake:
Kitten sniffing flowers:
This gorgeous poem:
The surprise when I found out the artist is color blind:
My cousin’s car:
Innocence – my little cousin and kitten sharing a moment:
Couldn’t get enough of this rose:
The travel section at the bookstore:
The magic that is this book:
Kitten sniffing my shoes:
The colorful 4 in front of Channel 4:
Reading this book:
This funny bird:
This sign, because it seemed the perfect response to the question “Universe, give me advice about my life” I asked only a few seconds before:
I’m reading a lot of Byron Katie and consequently shedding a ton of limiting beliefs. I am learning that all I ever have to lose in any given painful situation is the story I have concocted in my head about the situation, and its possible consequences/outcomes. People and events are what they are; life simply is what it is. The words we use to describe it all, however, is a story we have created – not necessarily reality. The reality is an event happened, a person did or said something, and that is that. Whether it becomes a problem or a miracle, a heartbreak or inspiration, is a part of the story we create – as are the resulting thoughts and feelings formulated from this interpretation.
Another lesson I am learning from her work is about the connection between our relationships with others and ourselves. When we find it hard to be by ourselves, it is usually because we find it hard to be alone with our thoughts. Change, examine, and question your thoughts, and you change your relationship with yourself for the better. Your thoughts and feelings are not always true. Paying attention to your thoughts and your feelings and self-correcting as you go is paying attention to yourself, giving yourself the validation you seek but search for elsewhere. Developing good, intimate and meaningful relationships requires that you develop such a relationship with yourself, your thoughts and feelings first. Journaling, meditation, quiet time, personal growth books, creativity etc… can help one get in touch with these things, or at least these are things that have helped me.